“Slaying Empathy”
Would you define yourself as an empathetic person?
“Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”
As a public defender, we stress the importance of empathy. A good lawyer and advocate would be empathetic to what their client is dealing with so that they can put forth the best defense. See the client as a human, not as a case file. Understand how devastating this moment actually is for the client to experience. Fully comprehend how this situation can significantly disrupt their life and the lives of their family and loved ones. But in that same vein, we have to make sure we’re not getting too emotionally invested to where the representation or case is having a negative impact on our personal lives.
I am a proud empathetic lawyer and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But is it always a good thing to be the super empathetic friend?
In my last couple posts I wrote about the “dynamic duo” patience and grace, and some characteristics every friendship should have. But what about empathy? Have yall ever thought about empathy as a negative thing? I don’t think I ever have. And I’m not sure if what I’m about to share really falls under being too empathetic, but “empathy” was the best way I knew how to define it.
Okay, let me just get to it …
So I have a (bad) tendency to want to try to put on a cape and play Superwoman whenever one of my friends share something negative or sad they’re dealing with. For example, a friend may receive some bad medical news. All I want to do is to immediately search for a solution even if that means me enrolling in and graduating with a medical degree in the next 24 hours so I can offer a solution. Another example, a friend may feel unheard at work and all I want to do is call up their employer and tell them how valuable my friend is to their company. Here’s another one — a friend can be dealing with relationship problems and I immediately put on my therapist hat (a hat I have no business wearing because I need therapy myself…that’s a conversation for another day!…) to try to offer the best advice to make all of their problems disappear instantly.
What’s up with that?!
Luckily one of my friends loved me enough to call me out on it and told me that she doesn’t need me to try to fix her/everything all the time and all she needs is a friend who will listen while she vents. *Yes, ma’am! Heard loud and clear!*
But that seriously had me thinking more about when, how, and why I do that? Why do I want to be someone’s savior when they didn’t ask me for anything? Why do I feel the need to offer a solution when all they want to do is vent? Why do I feel like a bad friend if I don’t offer any kind of resolution?! Is that being too empathetic? Is that something else?
I’m glad I’m conscious of it now so I can monitor it. I strive to be a good friend to all of my friends. I hope they know that even if that means I respond to their problems by saying “dang, friend that’s really terrible! I hope you get through this!”
Anyone else ever feel like this? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments!
“And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.“ I Corinthians 12:26, NKJV.
Moni Jay, Off the Record
That’s a great idea and reminder! I need to stop putting it on myself and thinking everyone is asking for advice or a solution. Thanks for reading friend!! 💜
You’re always so eloquent in your comments and words of encouragement! Than you Auntie for reading and sharing! 💜
Great post! I can find myself just asking people, you need to vent or you want advice. Will likely still offer some form of advice or encouragement by nature. I also think this comes down to a form of love language. Everyone is different, so we know we can’t approach every friend and every situation the same. I don’t fully understand the “flow” of love languages, but yeah I try and always keep that in mind with different relationships. I also think it goes both ways. People have different roles as friends, some friends do X, some do Y, and some do Z. I think you should know which friend you need at that moment. If you have a Z problem, X might not be the best friend to call for that haha. I feel like this could be a great discussion!
Yes yes yes and YES AGAIN!! I’ve pulled out that SuperFriend cape much too often in my lifetime, and you are right: Sometimes we just need to shut up and listen… That said, we can also become too much of a leaning post for some friends who need to buck up, step up and seek solutions for themselves (been there, too!). It’s a delicate balance and sometimes a slippery slope.
The blessing in all of this is, we HAVE FRIENDS and we are developing our friendship self-awareness! Learning to be a better friend is as relative as the friends we have in our lives. There’s no one-size-fits-all, definitely for me! My friendship list is beautifully multifaceted, which has helped me grow and evolve along with those on my list. Most are wonderfully fulfilling & will be with me for the rest of my days, and some I’m happy to let fade away with that time comes (everything has a season after all!). But I feel blessed to be called “friend” by so many, and you have so many consider me a friend in their lives.
Keep Shining, Bright Light!! Auntie loves you!!