“Don’t Look Up, You’ll Be Too Amazed!”

Are you happy right now?

I am 30 years old and I began my career at the age of 25. Prior to that, I was a student. I began working at the age of 17 and held a job, either full-time or part-time as I was obtaining my degrees. I was baptized at a very young age, grew up as a Christian, and went to church with my family basically every Sunday. I didn’t “find God for myself” until my freshman year of college. It was then that I no longer had my mother to wake me up three to four times Sunday morning to get ready for church. It was then that I made the conscious decision to get up early Sunday morning to get ready for church, regardless of what I did that Saturday night. It was then I began to fall in love with Jesus, gained an understanding of God’s word, and wanted to share His goodness with others. It was then that I cultivated a relationship with God on my own.

But my relationship with God is nowhere near perfect. I break promises I’ve made to Him. I go weeks without reading the Bible. I sometimes let the day go by without praying and talking to Him. But even through all of that, I know He still loves me. I know that His grace still covers me. I know that He will never leave me. I didn’t always know those things, however. I used to think that I am still single because of all of the “not-so-holy” choices I used to make in college. Like God was teaching me a lesson or something. I used to think that I’ll never know my purpose or my calling because I have a hard time hearing from God. I would hear people talk about their purpose and how they were led by God to do something, and I would just sit there envious because all I seemed to hear were the negative thoughts floating around in my head (envy is one of the “seven deadly sins,” so I was already off to a good start, right?).

But then God finally came to me! He came to me in a dream and told me that my purpose was — No. He didn’t. Well, He didn’t come to me as straightforward as that.

You remember when I wrote in my very first blog post that I dislike small talk? Well, one topic of small talk always seems to include the question:

did you always want to become a lawyer?

And my answer is always: no. I made the decision when I was in my junior year of college, completing my internship at the courthouse, I observed a murder trial where the guy was accused of killing his brother, I saw the defense attorney presenting his case to the jury and I said, “I want to do that.” I then began preparing for the LSAT and looking into law schools… I always thought my decision to go to law school was so random lol. I am the first and only lawyer in my family. I just so happened to be at my boring internship, (I completed my internship hours in the late afternoon, and there wasn’t much to do by then besides answer the phone and take messages) and had free time to go sit and observe a jury trial. While listening to the defendant testify about why he stabbed his brother, my weird mind said I wanted to defend the underdog and help people get a second chance. And after taking the LSAT twice, and applying to four law schools, I just ended up at UGA Law wanting to eventually practice criminal defense. Oh, and I also envisioned myself up on a billboard with a fancy ad for my private law firm and being all cute in commercials. You know, all of those things just happened randomly. Not planned.

WRONG! Yall, God is so crazy and He never ceases to amaze me. I know all of my readers are probably not Christians, and that’s okay. This post isn’t about trying to convert you into following any kind of religion. This post is to explain how I finally identified my purpose. The way I ended up studying Criminology and Investigations, interning at the courthouse, and having time to watch that jury trial was not just random. It was all God. I watched a lot of CSI: Miami with my mom and Grandpa growing up. That show, plus my love for anatomy with Mrs. Williams in high school, led me to initially seeking a Forensic Science degree. But then God reminded me that I ain’t good at science, so I ended up switching to a Criminology and Investigations degree. God knew before I did that I was going to make all of those choices and decisions. And that’s what’s so crazy about Him.

I recently shared a Memory on Facebook. On November 28, 2012 I wrote a status saying, “My very first law school exam is tomorrow morning! I feel like I’m ready, but I’m still nervous! I’m eager to take it so that I can prove my skills that I’ve learned all semester, ha! Praying for nothing but favor, confidence, and success!!” On November 28, 2020 I shared that Memory and said, “If only that lawyer-to-be knew then all the great stuff she’d achieve in the legal field, she wouldn’t be nervous about anything.” I can go down memory lane and describe how if only I knew back then what I know now, but I think those 2 statuses are enough. I am not tooting my own horn, but I have accomplished a lot of good during my 5 years as a public defender, and I know that God has a lot more in store for me and my career.

How do I know that? Because the work of public defense is my purpose. Is being underpaid my purpose? I am not sure (and praying that God got something in store for my pockets too lol). To be a great public defender, you have to actually care about the strife people from low-income families face. Empathy and not sympathy helps a great public defender stand out among others. Public defenders need to be patient and understanding. They also need to be creative and zealous. The cases that we handle usually affect more than just the client themself; it affects their families, their jobs, and their communities. I am not going to go into detail about it, but we know that Black and brown people make up the majority of those in low-income neighborhoods and also make up the majority of those arrested and incarcerated. Changing that is my passion. Changing that is my mission. Changing that is part of my purpose.

So why did I share all of that with you? Because it wasn’t until about a year or so ago that I began to know and understand my purpose. At the age of almost 30, someone who has been a Christian and a believer their entire life, I finally know my purpose!

My purpose is to be a voice for the voiceless.

My purpose is to stand up for those who often feel their stories go unheard. My purpose is to listen. My purpose is to lead. I used to question why I would get favorable outcomes in my cases when so many other people are practicing the same thing but getting different results. And it’s not because I am a better lawyer than them, but it’s because of God’s favor on my life (and the awesome coworkers in the awesome office God placed me in). And it is also because I find joy in this work.

I want you to think about this — life is all about joy & purpose. If it isn’t bringing you joy and fulfilling your purpose, then let it go. And that can be from your job, to your relationships, to your routine/habits, to conversation topics, to friendships, etc. If it isn’t bringing you joy and fulfilling your purpose, why are you exerting your energy to it? And if you’re asking, “well where’s God in this joy & purpose?” To me, if it’s part of God’s plan it will automatically bring you joy and fulfill your purpose. It’s all intertwined! (Now this doesn’t mean that the road you embark on to fulfill your purpose won’t have any bumps or twists and turns. Because we know it will. Nothing worth having comes easy. But, this road will always lead to a beautiful destination because it is what God has planned. He never makes mistakes).

In 2015, if you were asked where you’d see yourself in 5 years, I bet no one thought in the place where you are right now. But God knew. And He probably laughed at your answer if you haven’t consulted with Him about it first. I never really liked that question, not because I felt my life was scattered and I didn’t have any goals I was married to, but mainly because I may THINK I know the right plan for me, BUT God’s plan can differ from mine, and can change as He sees fit. So, in 2015 I honestly didn’t know where I would be in 5 years. And now my response to that question is always: I am just going where God leads me… Once we realize, accept, and operate in the fact that His plan will always be the right and best one for us, we will begin to fulfill our purpose in this world. Trust me, you have a purpose! If you feel you don’t, then take a few moments to evaluate where you are and decide to change whatever in your life that isn’t bringing you joy!

Even though God didn’t come and reveal to me my purpose right away, He has had it unravel slowly. He knows that if He were to show me all of the glory and victories at once, I wouldn’t know how to act. My Aunt likes to tell us to “look at our feet.” This doesn’t mean walk with your head down all day. It means to take life one step at a time and to look at your feet during your journey because if you look up to try to see too early what God has in store for you, you won’t believe it, you’ll begin to psych yourself out, and you’ll miss out on your blessings. Trust in God yall. He’s got you. He’s got us!

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” — Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record