“Don’t Let ‘Em See You Cry – Living Single Part 5”

What are you doing for Cinco de Mayo?!

Sadly, I don’t think I’ll be meeting up with some friends on a patio in the sun sipping margaritas this year for Cinco de Mayo. Last year, I tried to meet up with a girlfriend for margaritas and every Mexican restaurant was PACKED. Lines out the door! I def don’t got time for that, and I have brunch plans this weekend, so I’ll probably just sit on my patio and enjoy the sun with my pup!

5 years ago today, I shared on Facebook this post:

5 years later, I still agree with what I said in that post! Unsure if I should share more about that Bolde article now or more about some revelations I’ve had recently…

Okay, I’ll share a little bit about those revelations first! One night this past week, I was doing a lot of reflecting and thinking and identifying places in my life that need healing, and I thought about recording a video being my most vulnerable self. I still might make that video one day, but I think I need to take a few more steps on this healing journey first before I try to record something lol.

Something I realized was that when dating, I tend to suppress some of my feelings when I think they might differ from the person I’m talking to or they might come across as “negative” to the person I’m talking to. Mind you, I’m a lawyer. I grew up wanting to be a doctor, and the law career found me, but I truly think this is where God called me to be. I might not be the smartest cookie on the planet, but logic and analysis are in my DNA. Also, mind you, I’ve been wanting a relationship for a long time, and have not yet one (and am not yet married). So when someone acts in a way I wouldn’t act in that situation, my mind starts going and the questions start generating. BUT — I don’t want to run this person off or sound irrational, so a lot of times those questions don’t ever get asked. It’s been like that for a while now, but 2 specific instances popped up in my head this week during my reflections:

1. “Don’t let them see you cry, because then they’ll know they’ll have control over you.” — these words were literally shared with me when I was in high school! (Not by a family member, but by someone I looked up to at that time). And you know I can count on 1 hand how many times I’ve let someone I was dating see me cry. You might be thinking, “well if they’re making you cry, then you don’t need to be with them anyway.” Maybe. But that’s not what I’m trying to get at here. I was in my teens being told to suppress my emotions. I was in my teens being told to suppress my emotions in order to maintain a relationship. I was in my teens being told to suppress my emotions in order to compete with my partner on who has control. LIKE WHAT?!
2. “Uhoh, don’t start that, you’re starting to sound like a girl.” — something similar to these words was told to me by a guy when I was a young adult if I ever expressed my emotions or even sounded as if I was about to shed a tear. If a guy is telling me this, then I should follow it because he’s a guy and he knows what guys want, right??? And I want a relationship, right??? So, why not take a guy’s advice on how to communicate with another guy??? LIKE WHAT?!

Yall, I’m so embarrassed I even shared that. But I am so glad I no longer think that! I am not afraid to ask and express what’s on my mind (it’s not about the message, it’s about the delivery), and I am not afraid to let someone know when my feelings have been hurt or if I don’t feel heard. It took me a long time to get to this point, but I am so glad that I did! I mean, I talk for a living. Literally, say words to a group of people to captivate them and persuade them to agree with me. So why are words so hard to find when I’m not at work??? That’s a question I will be exploring during this healing journey.

#WinningTogether #ItsAPartnership

I used to think that I had to downplay who I am or what I do just to appease someone else. And I’m not saying that with any arrogance. Yes, I went to law school (got the student loan debt too). Yes, I am a successful lawyer. But no, that is not all I am. And I don’t want my partner to feel intimidated by me or what I do. I believe, despite my flaws, I have always operated in the spirit of “we’re in this together” whenever I’m dating (a lot of parentheticals here lol, but I know I can’t force someone to have that same mindset). If they aren’t confident in who they are and what they bring to the table, we wouldn’t last very long anyway!

Alpha female, lawyer lady, whatever you use to describe it, I’m the type of partner who will make sure we’re both up. We will share our dreams, goals, and passions and help each other achieve them, sustain them, and get through the challenges that come along with them. I’ll need a partner who is okay with that. I’ll need a partner who is in agreement with that. I’ll also need a partner who is okay with honest communication. I’ll need a partner who is in agreement with expressing our emotions during the good times and the bad. I’ll need a partner who wants a partnership, will be there for his woman and will allow his woman to be there for him.

Thanks for reading! Maybe this post helped you identify some areas in your life that you need to reflect on and spend time with. I hope this wasn’t too heavy of a post, but I am in what I’d like to call a transitioning stage of my healing journey and I felt sharing this little piece of it publicly was necessary. I can’t run from it or suppress it anymore. I need to let it come, acknowledge it, then release it!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

“Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.” — Jeremiah 33:6, NKJV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record