“This Book’s Cover: Living Single Part 3”

Have you ever judged a book by its cover?

“Why are you single?”

“She got it all together, how come she’s not married?”

“Her head is on straight, she’s beautiful, and she has a wonderful career, how come she won’t just settle down already?”

Believe it or not, those are some questions I’ve had people ask me as well as heard people ask about others. I am not sure where this idea came from, but when we feel like we “see” someone is doing well, we just automatically assume that they have no issues and nothing negative going on in their lives. But, obviously, that is not true. And maybe it comes from what America likes to be known for: the “American Dream.” The opportunity to have whatever career you want. Work hard and you can have and afford whatever you want. However, that idea isn’t anywhere accurate for everyone!

This past weekend I had the opportunity (thank God) to just relax on my couch and watch movies and TV shows on Hulu and Netflix. I read the book a couple of years ago, but one movie I watched was The Hate U Give. It is currently being aired on Hulu and it — was — such — a — good — movie! I am sure some movies about racism and police brutality aren’t what people like to watch daily, and just because they don’t want to watch the movie, that doesn’t mean they don’t care about the cause. And I’ll admit, movies like that can be heavy and I have to be in the right mental space in order to watch them. But I really enjoyed this movie because it showed us the cause from a different lens. The movie didn’t just focus on how “bad” cops can be and the unjust killings of unarmed Black men, but it did a great job of focusing on how some of us deal with those issues in our daily lives.

Starr witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood best friend Khalil at the hands of a police officer. Now, facing pressure from all sides of the community, Starr must find her voice and stand up for what’s right.

The Hate u give — imdb

Without spoiling anything — in addition to that brief synopsis of the movie, I’ll just share that Starr and her family live in a poorer Black neighborhood, but she and her siblings attend a predominantly white, rich private school. The movie hones in on how Starr deals with witnessing this tragedy among her two essentially different lives. And one quote Starr says to a friend is: “if you don’t see my Blackness you don’t see me.”

And that stuck with me and gave me the idea for this blog post. Not just the seeing my Blackness part (because that can be a whole other blog post in itself, anddd that movie is really good. Go check it out!), but the determination and effort to actually SEE people. Not just know them and know where they work and know what kind of wine they like to drink. But actually SEEING them. Empathizing with them. Feeling them. Understanding why they are the way they are. Not trying to change them and accepting them for who they are. Knowing their roots. Learning how to stand up for them and being there for them when they need you. We think we “see” people but we usually really have no idea.

I also started rewatching the show Being Mary Jane.

The life of a young Black woman, her work, her family, and the popular talk show which she hosts.

being mary jane — imdb

Being Mary Jane is also currently on Hulu and it stars Gabrielle Union as Mary Jane AKA “MJ.” There was an episode (without any spoilers because the show touches on any and everything that comes with living LIFE for a variety of people) where MJ breaks down crying in her kitchen one night. She is seen as the hot-shot talk show host that is on billboards, has many fans, drives a dope car, and owns a beautiful home. But what her fans and probably everyone else does not SEE is what goes on behind closed doors. And this theme is evident in many other TV shows and movies. The public or even sometimes our colleagues and friends don’t SEE our brokenness. Our health issues. Our medical diagnosis. Our financial debt. Our addictions. Our vices. Our family issues. Our dysfunctional relationships. Our lack of romantic relationships. Our insecurities. Our low self-esteem. Our overall BROKENNESS.

She breaks down crying in her kitchen because of how exhausted she is trying to be ON for her job, be there for her crazy family, and somehow find the time to establish a relationship to get married and have kids before her “clock stops ticking.” MJ definitely has it “all together” on the outside, and you would think her friends do too. But in Season 1 Episode 3, “Girls Night In,” there is a scene where they all go around and “air out their dirty laundry.” They’re dealing with depression. They’re buying themselves bigger engagement rings rather than accepting the one their future husbands bought for them. They’re having affairs with married men. They’re struggling to even find a man to commit to them.

Why do we judge books by their covers? We all do it. And sometimes that judgment leads to imposter syndrome. Unnecessary competitions. Negative and unhealthy conflict. We don’t need to be judging books by their covers, but we need to see their cover as an invitation to learn more about their story. Create a bridge where we desire to turn the page in each others’ stories to figure out what happens next and to be there when the next adventure begins.

I’m healthy. I have a loving family. I am working my dream job. I have strong friendships. I don’t own my car. I don’t own my house. I don’t have a man. And I sometimes beat myself up for what I eat or for not going to the gym as often. I’m not perfect. I have many lessons to still learn in life. But I strive to be a great person every day and to show up for people who need me. Please don’t judge this book by its cover. I want you to actually SEE me.

Moni Jay, Off the Record