“Know Your Worth: Living Single, Part 2”

When did you first experience true love?

“Where my man at?!” I’m just curious where my future husband is located. QTNA! (Questions That (STILL) Need Answers).

I am in a wedding in February. No, it is not my wedding (you wish!). I am in one of my girlfriend’s wedding, and this past weekend we celebrated her bachelorette party in Houston, TX. Mannnn we had such a great time! On Friday we — *what happens in Houston, stays in Houston.* The hoodrat stuff I did with my friends last weekend isn’t what this post is about. This post is about finding true love. This post is about retiring the question “where my man at?!” and replacing it with “where my husband at?!”

I used to think that it isn’t wise to take relationship advice from a single person. Well, I no longer think that. If you’ve been single for as long as I’ve been, it’s a fact that you’ve learned many lessons on what to do and not to do when dating. I have learned so many things from how to properly “play the game,” and how to maintain your sanity after a nasty breakup. My girlfriend who is getting married in February has mastered this thing called love (I am so excited for their union!), and it led me to share with you my number one piece of relationship advice. It is this —

When dating, always stay true to yourself and know your worth.

-Imani Carter

Even though I’m single, I can share that piece of advice because I lived it. You might have heard that advice in some shape or form sometime in your life. Whether it be from one of your girlfriends, your homies, or grandmama, or your mentor. And it’s something that we all know, but often times ignore, when we are dating. Last year, however, those words finally resonated with me, and I was able to apply them to my life and give that piece of advice some true meaning.

You remember my “Living Single – Part I” post that I wrote on October 8, 2020, right? In that post, I mentioned that I “talked” to a guy for about 2 years and I described that time-period as “a lot of gray area and mixed emotions.” I honestly allowed myself to experience and endure that “gray area” many times in my life. It wasn’t just that time. How’s the saying go, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?” Well, ya girl was a fool. But she ain’t a fool no more!

“I no longer look towards men or even apps as validation of my worth. The past 10 years have been a rollercoaster for me as a I navigated the single life. But the past few months have been eye-opening.” – Living Single – Part I, October 8, 2020. What has been so eye-opening for me in the dating world in 2020? First, it’s actually knowing what my “worth” is. “Know your worth” is the second half of that aforementioned dating advice. But what does it mean? What does it really mean?? I am going to try to explain what it means to me, but I would love to hear what it means to you and how you define your worth! Please let me know in the comments!

“When you know you are of worth — not asking it but knowing it — you walk into a room with a particular power. When you know you are of worth, you don’t have to raise your voice. You don’t have to become rude. You don’t have to become vulgar. You just are, and you are like the sky is, as the air is, the same way water is wet.” — Dr. Maya Angelou

FACEBOOK POST 11/4/18

To me, “know your worth” means: know (and operate in) who you are, what you bring to the table, and what you won’t settle for because you know you deserve more (I had a discussion on my Instagram Live Wednesday night on what it means to “bring something to the table.” It was a VERY good discussion!). To my girlfriend who is about to get married, it means “holding people accountable … and loving and respecting you first because you’ll then require that kind of respect from whoever else you encounter.” I couldn’t agree more! This might have a negative connotation when you first say it, but your worth should be your baseline. Something that you know you should not go below because your characteristics and attributes have set the bar higher in dating (and any other relationships for that matter!). And it’s okay to be confident and to strut your worth! Whatever those characteristics are and whatever it is you bring to the table, you earned them! Rock them! Wear them on your sleeve! But most importantly, don’t let someone who is charismatic, charming, and good-looking try to persuade you that you should settle for anything less!

My worth is knowing that I deserve honesty, good communication, and unconditional love because that is what I bring to the table in a relationship. My worth is receiving support and assistance in my journey to achieving my goals and becoming the best version of myself because that is what I would give in a relationship. My worth is not accepting disrespect or any form of abuse or manipulation because I would never introduce those to my relationship. After finally being able to articulate my worth, the second thing that I considered eye-opening was I made sure that I stayed true to myself regardless of who I was engaging with.

Staying true to yourself could have the same meaning as knowing your worth and not going below that baseline. And that’s fine. But for me, it has a slightly different meaning. It means being unapologetically me, period. Confession: when chatting on dating apps or just via text, I never really responded with my first honest responses because I would second-guess how that response would make me appear to the person on the opposite end of the message (I’ve since given up the dating apps, and do not plan on getting them back). I like to laugh. I know how to be serious when I need to be, but I like to keep the mood light and find humor in misfortunes. When first getting to know someone, I would try to cover that up. And here is another, even deeper confession: EVERY TIME I talked to someone or tried to get to know them, I would put my wants, needs, and opinions on the backburner, and agree with everything they said or wanted to do. I had this thought that guys do not like confrontation, they want to be able to get along with their significant other. You know ya girl can be very opinionated (duh, I’m a lawyer), but when I spoke to/dated a guy those opinions were out the window! I altered who I was and what I believed in to try to keep the peace when in reality, I was doing everything but that! I wasn’t feeling at peace with myself! I created turmoil and emotional destruction for myself. I allowed myself to lose my joy and gave the other person power over how I felt and how I thought. But no more! And if you ever find yourself in those circumstances, please remove yourself immediately! Pure joy is located within yourself, and you deserve to stay true to yourself!

If you recall, in my post about my top 20 highlights of 2020, I wrote: “#15 Healed from a past relationship.” I mentioned I wrote myself a letter on August 19, 2020 as a part of my healing process. (It helped a lot! I was able to put my feelings and experiences into words, and they are there for me to revisit if I feel I am going backwards in my journey of singleness). Every time I read that letter, I get chills because what I allowed myself to go through was ridiculous. The letter is very intimate and personal to me, so I cannot share it publicly with you all, but I can share this snippet:

“Imani, now that you are here, I hope that you never leave. I hope that you make this place your new home and find all that it has to offer to you. Understand its meaning. Understand its beauty. Understand its necessity in your life. You endured a lot of pain. You endured a lot of control. You endured a lot of rejection. This pain began over seven years ago. I hope you know and come to accept that the healing will not come overnight. You will relapse. You will make mistakes. And that’s okay. But whatever you do, you have to promise that you won’t ever leave here. Now that you are here, own the journey that brought you here, but do not let that journey own you. You have evolved. That guy is gone. You are now in control.

And with this last line of this letter, Imani I want to tell you that you should stop being so hard on yourself and learn to love yourself.

Love always,

Your Truest Self”

So ladies and gentlemen, wherever you are in your dating/relationship journey, please heed this advice: always stay true to yourself and know your worth. If you feel stuck or unable to express how you’re feeling you just know the feeling isn’t joy, find a way to talk through that. Write yourself a letter. Seek out therapy. Be straightforward and honest with your significant other. Lastly, accept that the changes and healing won’t happen overnight. And if anyone has any words of advice for me as I continue on this journey of living single, please share them with me! Maybe it will be my wedding that these ladies will be celebrating next!

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13, NIV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record