“Living Single” – Part 1

Have you ever thought you were ready to accomplish something big, but in reality you weren’t really ready at all?

“Where my man at?!” That’s something I would constantly say every time I got dressed up and looked really good in a photo. Every time I cooked a meal so good I felt I shouldn’t be eating it alone. Every time I scrolled past yet another friend announcing their engagement on Facebook. I would think “here I am, a successful lawyer, own place, own car, no children, no drama, but still single…” But all of that doesn’t mean I am ready for a real relationship.

I was 15 years old when I had my very first boyfriend. I was in 10th grade. I wouldn’t say that I was necessarily one of the “popular” girls in high school. But I was one of the Black girls in my school, and there weren’t very many of us. I was also one of the “smart” girls in school. I was the one that classmates would ask for a copy of the previous night’s homework or try to sneak and ask me for the answer to question number 11 on the pop quiz.

I wouldn’t say that I was necessarily one of the “pretty” girls in high school either. But I was definitely one of the girls who always had a boyfriend. I had boyfriends back-to-back from sophomore year of high school through my sophomore year of college. There was only a 3-month time period where I was not in a relationship or rocked the title “girlfriend.” Until August 2010. That’s when my college boyfriend and I broke up. That breakup hurt me a lot, and there was even a time where we could have gotten back together. But we didn’t, and since then, I have been single. No title. No man.

Well, actually I did have a boyfriend for literally 10 days back in July of this year lol. But I will get to that a little later in this post. So, yeah, after my college boyfriend and I broke up, I spent the rest of my time at WVU enjoying the single life and focusing on moving to Georgia for law school.

I moved to Georgia for a fresh start. I wanted to forget the high school and college breakups, and start thinking about my new life as a lawyer. But then, I noticed how fine these Georgia men are! That just threw me all off my game. In May 2013 I started talking to someone. (You know what that term “talking” means – spending time with and exerting energy on someone, but you don’t have that title and there isn’t an expectation of commitment but there’s also an expectation that you’re not really spending quality time with anyone else… Yeah, that term “talking” means a whole lot of gray area and mixed emotions that this generation just expects you to understand, navigate with a smile, and repeat).

We talked for a couple of years. But I was still single. (Yes, two years of gray area, mixed emotions, and a lot of time wasted). After he and I stopped talking, that was when I was introduced to these dating apps. You mean to tell me that I don’t have to go out and try to look cute in public, and I can find my next boyfriend by swiping through a plethora of men on an app?! Yes, please! At first, I loved the dating apps. Having so many fine, good looking, Georgia men all at the tip of my thumb. Who knew God made so many beautiful people and placed them all within 50 miles of me?! But then, I grew to dislike dating apps. And to this day I have a love/hate relationship with Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.

When I want to boost my confidence by messaging a good-looking guy, I love the app. When I realize none of my matches are looking for committed relationships, I hate the app. When I want to find someone new to grab a drink or go see a movie with, I love the app. When I learn there are rules on what kind of photos you should and shouldn’t post and what you should and shouldn’t write in your bio, I hate the app. When I grow bored and have no one to text, I love the app. When I no longer hear from one of the matches I’ve been seeing for a few weeks, I hate the app.

As of today, I am not using any dating apps. I deactivated all of my accounts, got rid of the apps, and deleted any numbers from matches (I hardly saved their numbers anyway lol). It took me a while to get here, but I am finally at a place where I no longer view being single as a “good” or “bad” thing. It is just an important thing! Even though I am 30 years old, and many people my age are married or planning their weddings, I am okay with being single. I know that this period of singleness was and is necessary for what and who awaits me in the future. Now I am not going to act like some days I don’t wish I had someone to share dinner with at the dinner table or someone to share laughs and intimate stories with. But I can say with confidence that I am finally content in my singleness.

I no longer look towards men or even apps as validation of my worth. The past 10 years have been a rollercoaster for me as I navigated the single life. But the past few months have been eye-opening. Like I mentioned above, I technically had a boyfriend a few months ago in July. We dated for less than two weeks. (I thought relationships that short only occurred in the 3rd grade?!) It obviously wasn’t anything serious, but I finally had the “title” again! I spent the last decade fighting for that title, but this victory didn’t feel so great. How come I didn’t have that instant sense of gratification? Regardless if I had the title, that guy was not the one for me. Every up and down on that emotional rollercoaster was worth it though. If anything in my past dating life would have gone any differently, I would not have learned what I want and need in a partner. I would not have learned my own flaws and shortcomings. I would not have learned that pure joy is located in myself and not in a man.

I still want to fall in love and get married. But instead of chasing men and matches, I am chasing self-worth, self-awareness, and self-love. Instead of counting the days since my last relationship, I am strengthening my relationship with myself and God. Instead of asking, “where my man at?!” I am asking God to prepare me for my man. Whatever you feel like you should have accomplished by now, don’t feel guilty about it. We all have different journeys to travel so don’t devalue yourself and rob the world of your awesomeness! Who knows when I will meet the person God has for me? All I know is I am going to live my life like it’s golden, and when that time comes I will be ready!

“I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases.” – Songs of Solomon 2:7 NKJV

Moni Jay, Off the Record