“Till Death Do Us Part”

When you hear the word “love” what image comes to mind?

I’m sitting here finishing up watching the last few episodes of Season 3 of Harlem. I’m tearing up as Quinn, one of Camille’s best friends, gives a speech at Camille’s baby shower where she introduces everyone who is connected to Camille in some way. Camille met these people at different stages of her life — her childhood hometown, the college she graduated from, the university she taught at, and the place where she now calls home. They were all present to shower and support Camille in the next stage of her life: motherhood. And like the sap that I am, I began to tear up! I caught myself and I asked myself why I got so emotional. It wasn’t because I felt like I didn’t have that kind of support in my life, or wish I was in Camille’s shoes. It was because I am in Camille’s shoes (not the motherhood part though!).

Sister circles — we’ve all heard of them. Some of us might have even built them from scratch. But what are they made of? They’re made of people from different walks of life whose minds, hearts, and souls link and lock together like links in a chain. A chain made of a strong solid material. A chain that can be broken, but we choose not to break it. A chain with a reliable lock and we don’t want to find the key.

When I think back over my life, I too have people who shower and support me today from various stages of my life. I have my ride-or-die best friend and my family from my hometown who will go to war for me. I have my friends with whom I built crazy and life-changing memories at WVU, including my best friend (bonus!). I met some amazing and intellectual people in law school and church when I moved to Athens. I have the empowering and fierce sister circle I built during my time in the place where I now call home. I have friends in different parts of the country who are a part of my community. Quinn’s speech at Camille’s baby shower resonated so deeply with me because even the moments when I feel alone or I’m facing something challenging I don’t think I can overcome, I can call on my village to encourage and support me.

I think that’s why I am always drawn to shows about close-knit friendships like this. Girlfriends, Sex and the City, Insecure. The storyline focused on a strong friend group highlights the importance of friendship and it reminds us that we can define what community looks like to us. We get to challenge the limits of how deep our community goes. It doesn’t have to be traditional and it can forever be transforming and evolving. So long as it’s solid, supportive, and authentic.

Trust me, I didn’t always have this kind of outlook on friendships and relationships. I used to think that someone could only have one best friend and that the friend group could never dwindle or expand. But when I stop to look at the major stages of my life, and the people who are my chosen village, how can that be? Our relationships with people are going to look different depending on where we are in life. What one friend provides to the friendship will look different than what someone else provides. When we are ready to elevate or pivot into another season of life, our circles might change or someone’s contribution might look different. And that’s okay!

Think about it — the 19-year-old you who is finally living away from mommy and daddy, trying to wake up for 8am Bio after being out at the club until 3am, and figuring out how to stretch the refund check through the summer is going to have different needs, goals, and perspectives than the 35-year-old you who is strategically chopping away at debt, building a family, and shopping at the farmer’s market. You want the people you lean on, confide in, and take along the journey to reflect where you are in life and who you are. You want them to be able to provide the nourishment, creativity, ideas, maturity, and dependability that your current season of life needs. This doesn’t mean you love your childhood friends any less than the friends you found in the new place you call home. This means you found a new way to define love and you’re ready to receive it and reciprocate it.

So on this Valentine’s Day, I want us to focus not only on self-love and the love we have for our romantic partners, but also on the love we have for our circle, community, and village. Our chosen family.

“for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

“The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs 12:26, NIV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record