“Fly Part 1 – Isaiah 40:31”

What are some examples of good character?

One thing about my family is, we know how to soar! Whatever it is we want to achieve in life, whether it be a long-term life goal or just one of life’s daily tasks, we put our all into it and we never fail. Even if we don’t achieve that thing the first time, we learn from our mistakes and make sure we apply those lessons the next time. Sadly, and they don’t know this, but sometimes I feel like I’m in competition with my siblings and cousins. They do not do or say anything to make me feel this way; this is all on me and part of my insecurities. I feel like I’m in competition with them because, to me, they are the definition of great. They say your greatest competition is the person you see in the mirror. But my competition is also them because they live amazing lives, overcome unheard-of challenges, and a good chunk of them have achieved some of life’s many dreams such as getting married. As a defense mechanism, to avoid any questions about my personal life, I always made sure to bring up my singleness and turned it into some kind of joke. But for the first time in a very long time, I am extremely happy to be single! 

My last relationship was my first relationship in about a decade. I dove in head first and didn’t even notice when I needed to come up for air — apparently everyone else around me saw I was drowning, though. Especially my family. They didn’t say anything; they didn’t express approval or disapproval of my relationship; they didn’t make positive or negative comments about my ex-significant other; they didn’t interrogate me or uplift me. They let it be. They let me be. And I think it’s because they trusted me and knew I knew better. They understood the importance of sometimes allowing someone to come to realizations on their own. And I appreciate them so much for that because they were sooo right! I ignored many red flags from the very beginning of that relationship, but I was so engulfed and mesmerized by the fact that I finally had a relationship after a decade of failed attempts. I convinced myself that those red flags were capable of turning green. I was soooo wrong. 

One of the major lessons I learned from that relationship was that you can’t change a man’s character. Some habits can be changed and some topics can reach compromises in a relationship, but an adult’s character is what it is. And I’m still learning about what exactly character is. It’s not just chivalrous habits or respectful behaviors. It’s more than that. It’s following through on your word. Being selfless. Being kind without hesitation. Being considerate of the other person’s needs and desires. I’m interested in hearing yall’s perspectives as well — how would you define “character?” What are some examples of good character?

Another lesson I learned from that relationship and season of my life was to never ever allow someone to weigh you down. My aunt is a very wise woman, and one of the pieces of advice that I appreciate and even share with my friends is this:

we are eagles, we are meant to soar and we are not meant to be scratching around in the dust with the chickens. We don’t need to hold on to deadweight in our talons.

Her words of wisdom have made this Bible verse hit a little differently and it is now one of my favorite verses:

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they sahll walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31, NKJV.

When I look back over my life, I believe one of the areas in which I face the most challenges is my love life. When it comes to what most people consider “life goals,” I am doing and have been doing pretty well in all areas besides dating/relationships. If I were to write that same exact sentence about a year ago, I would’ve followed it with something negative or a wish to be in a relationship due to my age or because I have “everything else” going for me. But now, I’m following that sentence with this: I actually finally AM doing well in the area of dating/relationships because I am finally embracing and loving being single! Perspective truly is everything.

I saw a post somewhere online where it said something like: we need to start using #singlegoals and fully understand the importance of loving yourself and your season of singleness. We (including me) get so excited when we use and see #relationshipgoals that we don’t even think being single is a life goal. You can learn (or remember) a lot about yourself when you’re single — the things you like/dislike, what makes you happy/sad, skills/hobbies, favorite activities/favorite music, what you want and will tolerate in a relationship and what you won’t, what energies you like around you and the ones you don’t, and how you felt during one of the happiest days of your life. This list could be endless! What are some things you learned about yourself during your season of singleness?

For some of you who know me or have been reading my blog posts, you may be thinking “well what’s different between her last breakups and this one?? I thought the same exact thing as I was writing this post! I complained and complained for a decade about not securing a healthy and loving relationship, constantly asking “where my man at?!” But here I am just as happy as ever after a pretty bad breakup. (Yall, I poured a lot of energy into that relationship, and every “bad” thing that could’ve happened, happened. So I had to end it). I haven’t had a real relationship in a long time, but I definitely talked to some people and had those connections end abruptly. When they would end, I would get all in my feelings and would question what was wrong with ME. But I don’t have those feelings or questions this time around! And I think the difference between all the others and now is this: I was able to end this draining relationship when I wanted it to end. I was left with no questions as to why it was ending. Perspective is everything.

That breakup may have been one of the best things that I’ve experienced in a long time. I was able to shed some unnecessary deadweight from my talons and can now spread my wings and fly with the eagles. The past couple of months have been glorious! I literally feel lighter. Liberated. Free. Happy. I can do what I want, when I want, and how I want, without having to worry about taking care of someone else. I don’t have someone in my ear making me believe I’m doing this thing called life wrong. I am crushing life, chasing dreams, and achieving goals including probably one of the most important goals of all: single goals!

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined. You have multiplied the nation and increased its joy; they rejoice before You according to the joy of harvest, as men rejoice when they divide the spoil.” — Isaiah 9:2-3, NKJV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record