“Please, Don’t Take My Confidence! Robbing You of Black Love, Part II”

Who is your celebrity crush?

(This post is a continuation of last week’s post. If you missed it, click here to read Black Love, Part 1. Again, there will be no photos in this post, sorry! But I promise it’s another good one!)

I am sure we are all familiar with the “free pass” some significant others give to their partners. We’ve seen it in movies and reality TV shows, and probably heard it at the brunch table or during a backyard cookout. The “free pass” is this: if you ever come across your celebrity crush and have the opportunity to date (or whatever) them, you’re permitted to do so. No hard feelings will come from it. It won’t break up the relationship, etc. Even if you’re single, I’m sure you’ve heard of the “free pass.” But if you haven’t heard of it — who is the celebrity you would choose?

I know many people probably have Beyoncé, Rihanna, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Barry, JLo, Meagan Good, Scarlett Johansson, Idris Alba, Chris Brown (*raises hand*), Denzel Washington, Brad Pitt, Michael Ealy, Michael B. Jordan (*raises hand* can I get 2 passes??), Chris Hemsworth on their lists. And there are probably many reasons why this person has made the cut to be their “free pass.” Their looks. Their talents. Their work. Their skills. Their personality. Their values. Their legacy. Whoever your celebrity crush is, I want you to think about that person when I ask you the following question:

“If your celebrity crush were to approach you RIGHT NOW, TODAY, IN THIS MOMENT, and expressed an interest in you, would you pursue them?”

What was your answer? Was it “Uh, duh, YES! No hesitation. No explanation. A thousand times yes!” Or was it “hmmm, I’m not sure, they’re more “successful” than me, and I’m working on myself and do not want to date someone who is doing life “better” than me”? (*Note, this post is not meant to encourage infidelity. Lol, there’s a point to be made; just follow along!)

If you read last week’s post, where I gathered some insight and perspectives from Black men on whether they would feel intimated or motivated when approaching or dating a woman they viewed as more “successful” than them, then you’d know that many men feel that they should be more “successful” than the woman in order to lead and provide in the relationship. (No, not all of the men who responded last week stated that (my circle cut from a different cloth), but they recognized that that was the norm in today’s society). And the word “successful” is always placed in quotation marks because its meaning is subjective. Many people use financial status to define “success” but not all people. I know I don’t! To me, “success” means doing what you are called to do and feeling good doing it. Public defenders are NOT rich. But I feel so full and content when I do my work and when I have the opportunity to positively impact others’ lives. You couldn’t put a dollar amount on that feeling.

It took me a minute to do so, but I view myself as a success. I still have many goals and aspirations that I want to achieve in both my professional and my personal life. Sometimes things pop up out of nowhere and set me back three steps. Life happens! Sometimes I’m faced with a subject that I know nothing about and have much to learn. But I view myself as a success because I know that if there’s something I want, I am going to figure out how to get it. If someone is spitting knowledge to me, I am going to receive it and soak it all up! Yes, I am a successful woman. No, I will never hang my degrees over my man’s head. Yes, I will motivate and support my man in his journey so long as he’s supporting and motivating me. No, I will not intimidate or emasculate him if he is “less successful” than me. I will build with my man and we will embark on this journey called life together.

A man should not feel intimidated when approaching a “successful” woman. He should be confident in himself, his abilities, and what he brings to the table. A relationship is a partnership. Partners build together. Partners thrive together. Partners shine together.

-Imani Carter

*Note: Building with someone in a relationship is NOT the same as re-making someone in a relationship. There is a level of discernment that is needed when determining who you should do life with.

Even if you’re in school, or working a customer service job just to pay the bills while you work on achieving your ultimate dreams, if you have a vision, a purpose, and a plan, it doesn’t matter if the woman is more “successful” than you in this moment. (If you didn’t notice, your celebrity crush is more successful than you in this moment!) What matters is how the two of you connect. What values the two of you share. How she makes you feel regardless of your different “statuses.” Don’t miss out on your blessing and your soul mate just because they’ve taken a few more steps than you have on this path to “success!” Don’t rob yourself of love!

Last week we heard from the men, and this week we will hear from the women, me included! I posed these questions to some women in my circle, and here are our responses!

Do you think that Black men should feel intimidated when trying to date or approach a woman he views as more “successful” than him? What can “successful” women do when a man expresses he feels this way?

Yetta, 29, Accountant, In a Relationship: Now, this is a tough question since I am a woman and my perspective mostly likely will be different from that of a man’s. However, my answer is absolutely not. As far as finances, I do not think a man should feel intimidated or discouraged or emasculated if a woman makes more money than him. First, my perspective will be from somewhat of a biblical standpoint since I am a firm believer of God’s Word and I aspire to have a Godly marriage. With that being said, when God said “and the 2 shall become ONE,” now it’s no longer my money and your money; it’s OUR finances. Also, the Bible says, “The man is to be the head of the household…” This is too often misinterpreted. It does not nor has it ever stated he should make more money. This scripture iterates that the man is to LEAD his household and take care of his family (with man and wife’s income together). Now, the only thing a successful woman can do when a man expresses this to her is shrug her shoulders and tell him to get over it. A woman should not have to diminish her success to make a man feel better about himself. If a man feels intimidated by a woman’s success, he definitely has insecurity issues that he is trying to hide behind and finding other ways (money/power) to mask his insecurities and boost his ego. THAT, has nothing to do with a woman’s success.

Anonymous: Yes. If you feel intimidated that means there are areas where you feel insecure or where you’re not reaching your full potential. Not necessarily a reason not to try to date “outside your league” but certainly some areas for introspection and maybe growth for the future.

Dayna B., 25, Personal Care Provider, Single: No, and when men give reasons such as their pride not allowing them to pursue a more successful woman, I think that’s a lot of crap. I think the men are just simply scared, and to them they have to be the breadwinner. They don’t want people looking at them as if they’re the “stay at home parent.” To them, women are supposed to be behind the scenes in most cases, but it’s 2021 and there are way more successful women out there, and if a man can’t grow some, then maybe he shouldn’t even try to pursue said woman!

Jaynna, 22, Graduate Student, Taken: No! I don’t think Black men, or any men should be intimidated by a woman who he views more successful than they are. They may be intimidated, but they should be confident in what they bring to the table as well. I feel in this scenario they would be measuring success by the job description or the income of the woman, but there is a lot more to a person than that. If a man felt that way and approached me about the topic, it would just depend on how. If I was at the point where I genuinely cared for them I would point out the qualities in them that they have, and I may not, and probably just explain that with me there is no reason to feel that way. And with my personality, I would most likely have a conversation with them about exploring their insecurities. Lol. 

Imani J., 30, Lawyer, Single (Very Single): Absolutely not! Everyone comes from different backgrounds, is dealt a different set of cards, and has a different path laid out for their lives. Everyone’s version of success is going to look different. Black men, and all men for that matter, should not feel intimidated if they encounter a woman that is more successful than they are. I think they should be confident in what they bring to the table, and they should desire to couple their skills with the woman’s skills to create a dynamic duo. Shoot, I can’t wrap my head around why a man wouldn’t be excited to boast about how great of a woman and how successful his woman is, and how blessed he feels to be with her, regardless of where he’s at in life. To me, that just screams JACKPOT! Lol! And if a man feels any form of intimidation, I would hope he voiced his opinion to me for many reasons but mainly so that I can check MYSELF to make sure my behaviors, words, or tone are not emasculating or disrespectful. At the end of the day, that’s my man, I am going to respect him, cheer for him, and walk alongside him!

Who do you think created the stipulation that a man has to be more “successful” than the woman in a relationship: Black women or America? (If you don’t think that stipulation exists at all, do you think there is a societal or systemic hurdle that Black men often face when dating?)

Yetta: Definitely America. Now, I did agree with most of the men’s responses until I got to Terrell’s response saying this is “oddly in the minds of ONLY BLACK women.” This stipulation never stemmed from our culture. Society has always painted this white picket fence, ‘perfect family’ picture where the man goes off to work and the wife stays home with the children as the “American Dream.” In other “cultures,” women are taught to be wives; go to college, find a husband, obtain a degree, just to be a housewife. Not for Black women. Black families have been purposely broken, and in turn we, Black women, are led and taught to be strong, independent, successful, and not to depend on men. Yes, it is backwards and disheartening since we should be learning how to love and appreciate our Black men and be their wives.  Overall, I feel REAL men that are confident in their masculinity do not define a relationship based on who is more successful or who makes more money. They value their marriage as a unity, not a competition or a power strut.

Anonymous: The Patriarchy. I think this stems from traditional gender roles and also male ego and the desire to be seen as the “provider.”

Dayna: America because at one point women weren’t even allowed to work, and they were the stay at home moms. The men made all of the money. But times have changed and now women can do anything they want to do.

Jaynna: I think it is ingrained in us socially that a man is supposed to be a provider, but that idea has died for me. If we are measuring success by who makes the most money in the relationship, I personally do not think that should be a factor. I have multiple successes at the age of 22, and have little income to show for it. Lol. As a Black woman who loves to share their accomplishments and continually strives for more, I believe that men should be attracted to a woman who has aspirations and dreams, and who will work to make them come true. I cannot speak to the hurdles Black men may face, but if any man wants a woman to take the backseat and be less “successful” to support his ego, that’s not a man at all. 

Imani: My short answer is society. Black women make up society and society makes up America. I think it has been the societal “norm” for the man to bring home more money and for the woman to raise the children and tend to the home. And then as society began to do away with those traditional “gender roles,” women have become more independent and their positions in certain leadership roles have become more prevalent. In preparation for this blog post, a comment was made that sometimes Black women get their degrees just to prove that they do not need a man. And I agree that some Black women, and women in general, do that. But I think that comes from having to fight for equality and having to do more just to prove you’re qualified and capable even though you’re a woman. But that’s just the thing; the fight for equality has led to some women no longer wanting to be equal and wanting to be more than. And the society that makes up America, has created a lot of hurdles that Black men have to get over just to achieve something that their white counterparts do not. But at the end of the day, if everyone was confident in themselves those hurdles wouldn’t matter.

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I have been thinking about this subject for the past 2 weeks now! Everyone has given some great, deep, and insightful responses. I don’t think there is any right answer or correct point of view, but I think that there has been one common characteristic in most of the responses: CONFIDENCE IS KEY! Whether you’re facing your celebrity crush or a woman wearing a blazer at a local restaurant, be confident in yourself! Your story makes you who you are, and life is not glitter and rainbows all the time. Unfortunate events happen to people all the time and there’s no stopping that. What’s important is how we get through those moments and who is with us when we do!

Women want confident men to lead them and to be happy with them. Men want to feel confident, supported, and respected by their women. For those who have read and contributed to these posts, thank you! You have allowed me to put my thoughts into words on this subject, as well as taught me to be proud of my successes. I also learned that I can’t force people to feel the way that I feel about certain things; all I can do is express my feelings to them with hopes they’ll understand. Have you learned anything based on these posts? Please share them with me in the comments! I hope that this dialogue will positively impact us on our journeys going forward!

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” — 1 Corinthians 13:6-7, NIV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record