“Hands Up, It’s a Stickup! Robbing You of Black Love, Part I”

Do you think that America has robbed Black men of love?

(Apologies, there aren’t any photos in this blog post. The topic is so heavy but enlightening at the same time. I’ll just let the words speak for themselves!)

A few weeks ago I went out to a late lunch with my intern. We went to a local restaurant downtown that serves pizza, wings, pasta. You know, nothing fancy. We had court that morning, so I am still dressed in my blazer and she in her suit (you know I’m the only lawyer who currently doesn’t own a suit lol). We have a table near the front window of the restaurant and it’s also close to the bar. From my seat, I am facing the bar. As we are eating and chatting, I see this tall, Black man walk into the restaurant. He had on a nice Nike sweatsuit, clean sneakers, and a backpack. He looked groomed. And I also never saw him before.

As we’re eating our wings and pizza, I am noticing this man keeps glancing over at the table/me. When I see him glance, I glance back, and I swear we made eye contact a couple of times. After he eats, he gets up goes to the bathroom. I point him out to my intern and tell her “he’s kind of cute and he kept looking at me lol.” We sit there and basically hold our breaths as he comes out of the bathroom and proceeds to walk towards the front door. In my soul, I just knew he was going to come over and speak and introduce himself! But he never did! (Yes, I am looking dead at him the entire time on his journey from the bathroom through the restaurant to the door). He gets to the door, gives me a head nod while placing his hand on his chest, and leaves!

I look at my intern puzzled and confused. And this was her response:

“Now, Imani. This Black man sees two Black women in their suits and blazers, looking all professional, out to lunch, and you think he is going to come up to you wearing his Nike sweatsuit and backpack and try to talk to you?” (Me in my head, “uh yes!”) She proceeded to explain her opinion on why he wouldn’t do that. Why he probably feels he wasn’t “on our level” and couldn’t compete. (Yes, there are a number of possible reasons why he didn’t walk over and speak (could have easily been in a relationship! lol), but her comment got my mental wheels spinning). That entire eye-contact-exchanging, non-conversation-producing interaction I had with that Black man at a local restaurant in downtown Athens led me to the topic of this very blog post.

When I got home I began jotting down my thoughts and I came up with a possible blog title of “America Has Robbed Black Men of Love.” This was not the first time I was confronted with a guy who possibly compared where he’s at in life with where I am. People see me as a lawyer and think I need to date another lawyer or a doctor or whoever with a title or a “success” story. But the truth is, I am not attracted to titles and bank accounts alone. I am attracted to ambition, drive, and vision. But it seems like guys run off before they even learn that about me…

As you can see, this blog post doesn’t have the title I mentioned above. I told a close guy friend about this encounter and our conversation led me to pose these 2 questions to 7 Black men in my life who I value their opinion:

(1) Do you think that Black men feel intimidated when trying to date or approach a woman he feels is more “successful” than him?

(2) Who do you think created the stipulation that a man has to be more “successful” than the woman in a relationship: Black women or America? (If you don’t think that stipulation exists at all, do you think there is a societal or systemic hurdle that Black men often face when dating?)

Here are their responses. (I originally thought of paraphrasing them, but the Black men in my circle are so profound that it would do their responses an injustice if I didn’t share every word with you all. Whew! I also didn’t read their responses until I sat down to type this post. And their responses all include a different, valid point that I totally overlooked and can have an entire conversation on! This post might be a little lengthier than my others, but trust me it’s worth the read!)

Do you think that Black men feel intimidated when trying to date or approach a woman he feels is more “successful” than him?

Jonathan, 32, Entrepreneur, Single: Yes because the man believes that the woman is only open to dating someone who is more successful than her. A well-intentioned man will know a woman’s standards and what she will expect from him, so 9 times out of 10, he won’t even try it.

Caleb, 33, Worker, Single (Very Single): Thinking is a mindset and a process. This process is determined by many societal factors such as social economic, values and morals. Many Black men have been raised by Black women who was the head of the household. Black men are not intimidated by woman he deems more successful. However, many men have the hunter mentality. A good hunter does not go after prey that they think they cannot compete with. Therefore, a man is not intimidated but views that person someone unworthy of their time. Why take the risk of falling for a woman that knows she is more successful and use that as the catalyst to control the relationship? No man should ever be ran by a woman if that man is leading that household right because that has nothing to do with success but it has something to do with respect.

Darius “Big D”, 40, Ford-Lincoln Commercial Sales Manager, Married: I do not think Black men feel intimidated when trying to date or approach a woman he feels is more successful. For a man up front, I think it’s more about the looks of the woman that usually sparks his interest. I think most Black men in general hold a basic confidence that he can approach any woman with his “game”… his attitude and approach and his own looks will be enough to get a conversation with a woman he’s looking to maybe date or relate with. A woman’s success I feel is an intriguing factor that would essentially draw a Black man in. Almost as if it’s an opportunity to “come up” more than he already has on his own so far. Now this could go in two different directions; as in a man looking for a long-term relationship and stability would see it as a chance to grow, attain goals and dreams he’s aspired to reach, be able to help her do the same and create an “empire.” And then there will be the men who see it as a situation where he could use the woman’s success and wealth only for his personal gains as long as she would allow him to. From statistical views, Black men more often than not come from a single parent home and were usually raised by their mothers, so the idea of a woman taking care of him wouldn’t be a new thing for him, even though he too will have no problem doing what he can to take care of his woman. You will have your exceptions but overall, I do not feel a woman’s success is a deterrent for a Black man. 

D.S., 30, Small Black-Owned Business Manager, Engaged: Generally speaking, I do believe so. Mainly it’s ego/male insecurity. We want to feel like the provider/protector and most of us tend to meausure our ability to do that based on our financial standing (credit score, savings, our actual income, etc.). So if you’re more successful than me, it makes me feel like I can’t really bring enough to the table. I also think a woman’s image has a lot do with it. A man could totally be more “successful” than a woman, but her image alone could be a little intimidating if he doesn’t feel like his image is comparable. (A WOMAN’S IMAGE CAN MAKE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MAN FEEL LIKE HE CAN’T MEASURE UP).

Isaiah, 27, Active Duty Air Force, Married: I would say I’m not intimidated by a more successful woman. I think it is attractive to be honest because I think a successful partner will drive you to be your best. I will say with 100% honest that I think a part of dating is impressing the woman in some sort because in general men are the ones pursuing and have to “do the work” per se because women have more suitors and therefore more options so men have to show what makes them stand out from the rest. A successful partner is harder to impress but if there’s no need to impress and there’s mutual interest I wouldn’t feel intimidated at all.

Carter, 37, Investor, In a Long Term Relationship: I don’t think it’s necessarily Black men that may feel intimidated by a more successful woman; but men in general. I think that since traditionally “back in the day” it was the man’s job to go to work each day and “put food on the table” and to provide for his family, while the woman was the homemaker. Things have changed now drastically over the century – positively in my opinion: there is much more equality than there ever has been between men and women. I do think that this intimidation mindset differs between individuals because personally that type of thing would not bother me. I’m all about “girl power” and like to see a woman succeed and do well. Even if it is better than me. I’m attracted to that, not intimidated by it.

Terrell, 36, Lawyer, It’s Complicated But I Love Her: So when I first saw this question, my initial response was “no, why would he?” But I think to be balanced I have to acknowledge that I think some men do. Another issue for me was “so how exactly are we defining success”? Is it educational attainment? Economics? Community involvement? Religious affiliation? I mean frankly there’s just so many ways to define success. Personally I think success isn’t measured by your education level (or lack thereof) nor your socioeconomic status. I think if anything it’s the quality of your character and what contributions you have already or are currently making to the world, and more specifically the Black community. Unfortunately, my definition of success isn’t mainstream. Instead, most times it’s how much money you have, how much power/influence you wield, and/or how many degrees you’ve attained which serves as the benchmarks of success within our community. I can honestly say I’ve never been intimidated by a woman who had more money, education, or power/influence than me. If anything, it’s very attractive. But I recognize I’m the minority. I definitely realize some men feel inadequate if they cannot afford to give their woman things she can give herself. Or worse, if they simply feel unneeded.

Who do you think created the stipulation that a man has to be more “successful” than the woman in a relationship: Black women or America? (If you don’t think that stipulation exists at all, do you think there is a societal or systemic hurdle that Black men often face when dating?)

Jonathan: It’s a combination of both. Society has a premise set; in main stream media we see “the knight in shining armor” narrative. In African-American culture though the stipulation is magnified even more so. I think Black women want a finished product as opposed to our grandparents’ generation where it was a given that they would build together. I think women in other races go to college to get a career and meet a husband where Black women go to college to prove they don’t need a husband.

Caleb: Black women did not create the stigma that a man has to be more successful. Society, religion, and biology have nurtured a culture that believes a man must be more successful than the woman he is with. And if we look at the news, Black parents, Black boys, and Black men have to watch their every move. This society is threatened by the capability of Black men and have made tremendous hurdles for them to be successful. It is simply not enough for a Black man to have a good job and make minor mistakes without judges and courts making examples of every Black man. If Black men just got a taste of what it’s like having the right opportunities then this blog would not even be discussing the topic.

Darius “Big D”: The idea that a man has to be more successful than a woman wasn’t created by Black women or America. This idea or way of thinking I feel goes all the way back to the beginning of time when Adam and Eve came about. God is a “He” in all references in the Bible. God created Adam first and in His own image. Since God created Eve from Adam’s ribs, basically just split Adam into 2 beings now, splitting God’s Image into “two”… But at that point Adam may have felt like the more superior one since she came from him, plus Eve also made the first mistake or sin didn’t help his possible thinking he was better. Even though I think that interpretation is incorrect because she was made from his side not his head or his feet which to me means equal. … In olden times the kings had a harem of women who were his servants and he had a Queen who had some power but still had to answer to the King. Then leading up more current times when the woman was the home maker and stayed home taking care of the house and kids while the man worked and provided food and finances for the family. … I feel the way these things were viewed and interpreted over time created the thinking that the man should be more successful than a woman, but that is not true. … So, the real question is what does “Success” really mean in society? and why is it usually equated with a person’s financial status?

D.S.: Society has definitely damaged the dynamic between Black men and women. Of course the government assistance programs that got the Black man out of the house initially began the separation, which caused Black women to be either super independent or super dependent. But that’s a different topic lol. I think the stipulation of success derived from just being able to provide ya know? Even when the Black man was making pennies, that’s still what provided for his family. So I think it’s just ingrained in our heritage, from our ancestors who were kings and queens back to Adam and Eve. And although there are many people today who dismiss the concept of Christianity, the story goes… God made woman from man’s rib.

Isaiah: I think it’s easily America, lol. Mainly because of the traditional thinking, not that it’s right, that when a woman has kids they need to not be working and solely take care of the home. So obviously if the guy is the only one working at the time it has to be looked at as sustaining the same lifestyle and if it’s not coming from the man in the first place then that won’t happen.

Carter: (continued from previous response) Overall statistically however, yes I do agree that most men would feel inferior and less likely to approach a woman that he feels is better than him, in a sense. This type of mindset is partly where the notion “she’s out of your league” comes from (the other part being physical looks). The past created this idea and the past is one of the hardest things to let go of. This is the same when it comes to racism; you’re not born with it, but rather taught it, and it is constantly passed down. As time goes on it diminishes, but trickles of that darkness will always be around for centuries to come and we are all long-gone.

Terrell: So frankly I don’t think such a rule exists. And if so it’s oddly only in the minds of Black women. I’d absolutely love to meet and date a woman who was more successful than me on all accounts. It’d literally alleviate so much of how I move: constantly assessing if a woman is here for me or what she can get through me, it’d eliminate the whole “she’s trynna trap me with a kid” dynamic, we could share the load in some areas financially, and simply not have money as an issue between us. I think it’d be dope! But I think a lot of black women, and I’m not sure where it comes from, frankly think men want to keep them in a lesser role. And to be fair, some men do. But most times, the issue is more about the men being selected and evaluated versus the total state of men. If you consider yourself a high quality or successful or whatever title we using woman, then date those kinds of men as well. Too often an issue I see is women date down more often. … But I’ve never felt compelled to be more successful than who I am with. What you touch on though is some degrees of patriarchy within our society that says men are the breadwinners and as such women aren’t. I think those days have faded or continue to quickly fade though. In many respects most men I know are happy women are advancing. Most of my friends literally want a woman “on their level” and they are high earners and well educated.

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This post isn’t about my opinion on these 2 questions, but trust me I have an opinion on them, and I might include it in Part 2 of this discussion. Because I am often on the opposite end of these questions, I knew I needed to get the opinions of Black men on the topic. I did place the word “successful” in quotation marks because everyone reading this post will have a different definition of what it means to be successful. When I pose questions to people, I try to keep ME and MY definitions out of it. I want their responses to be as authentic and personal as possible.

I now pose those 2 questions to YOU! What are your thoughts? Which of the above responses do you resonate with the most?!

I hope those who are celebrating have a happy Valentine’s Day!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record