“Can I Ask You A Question? – Living Single Part 4”

Will you answer the question I pose at the end of this post?

I’m healthy. I have a loving family. I am working my dream job. I have strong friendships. I don’t own my car. I don’t own my house. I don’t have a man. And I sometimes beat myself up for what I eat or for not going to the gym as often. I’m not perfect. I have many lessons to still learn in life. But I strive to be a great person every day and to show up for people who need me. Please don’t judge this book by its cover. I want you to actually SEE me.

Living Single, Part 3

What are some of the things that begin to run through your mind when you start dating? When you start creating that dating profile? When you start drafting that bio? When you meet someone new you’re attracted to? When you think about moving past your ex and looking to get back out there again?

For me, for the longest, I would think that creating a narrative like the quote above from my Living Single Part 3 post was almost all that was needed for someone to get to know me. They would know what I do for a living, whether I have kids, if I have my own place/things, and what I like to do for fun. Doesn’t that tell you a lot of what you need to know about someone to see if you want to continue pursuing them or not? Well, yeah that’s a good start, but it’s only surface level! That kind of information can be found on your LinkedIn or even on your Facebook under your About Me. And I think that has been an issue for me when it comes to dating.

I would think because (1) the person was attractive, (2) they were single, and (3) *bonus* they didn’t have any baby mama drama, then that was a green light to continue getting to know them. But I realized recently (as I am STILL navigating this single life trying to figure out ‘where my man at?!‘) that we have to know MORE about this potential mate EARLY. I used to think that those “hard” questions would come up over time, maybe date #3, and the answers would be evident as you spent more time with that person. I still think that there is some truth to that (because actions ultimately speak louder than words), but I also think that I had it all wrong.

Fun fact: we start our days with only a finite amount of mental energy. When that mental energy gets low or is completely depleted, it is evident in our behaviors and thoughts. Why would you want to use (or should I say waste) any amount of mental energy on someone who isn’t right for you? Why would you want to wait until date #4 to ask that one burning, non-negotiable, question where you know you’ll call it quits based on their answer? Some information we should just know and get out the way prior to sharing mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual energy with someone in the dating scene.

The other day, I asked on my Instagram story the following question: what’s a “must ask” when dating? you know, one of the major things you need to know when getting to know someone in dating; almost a deal-breaker.

These are the responses I got:
– What are your spiritual beliefs?
– How are you managing your finances?
– How do you treat your mother?
– Do you have kids?
– Do you want to have kids?
– Are you a woman beater?
– Are you gay?
– Do you have a girlfriend?
– Do you see yourself getting married?
– Do you believe in monogamy?
– What are your intentions?
– Are you dating just to date or are you dating for a long-term relationship/to find a spouse?
– Do you lack passion and vision?
– Are you willing to try new things?
– Are you in a relationship? / Is there someone who thinks they’re in a relationship with you?
– How did your last relationship/situationship end? (someone also noted that if someone talks excessively negative about their past relationship then that’s a no-go!)
– (Directed towards a man) Have you done anything sexually with another man?
– Are you open to therapy or help with our relationship?

All of the responses I got were such good questions to ask!! I feel like these questions will lead to important answers that can start a deep conversation about something that’s important to the two of you, and/or it can assist you in deciding whether this person is the right one for you. I also think these questions are fair game in like date #1 (there are usually a few phone conversations prior to date #1, but if not, shoot they can be asked in phone conversation #1!). You might even be able to spark up a good conversation based on these questions in your current marriage!

I am so glad people responded to my question on my Instagram story, because I am such a logical and analytical person that I find myself being very inquisitive when it comes to dating (I call it inquisitive when in reality it’s probably over-thinking, but for this post, we are going to call it a desire to inquire!), so my mind is constantly racing with similar questions/topics. But, I won’t allow myself to ask them because I don’t want them to think I came on too strong or that I’m trying to dig too deep too soon. (That’s probably why I’m still navigating this single life haha).

Here are some of my “must ask” questions when dating (that I probably don’t ask soon enough):
– What’s your faith? / What’s your relationship with God like?
– Are you single?
– Do you have kids? / What’s your relationship with their mother like?
– Have you ever been married? / Is the divorce final?
– Do you want to get married?
– What are your intentions?
– What do you look for in a woman/wife?
– What do you need from your woman/wife?
– Are you family-oriented? / What’s your relationship with your parents or siblings like?

Lastly, one person responded to my story and said that we don’t even need to ask these questions. We can just simply watch. We will eventually begin to know them by their fruits and actions. What do you think about that? What do you think about the questions people posed?

The question “are you single?” and “what are your intentions?” came up in some form more than once. YOU WOULD THINK THAT PEOPLE IN THE DATING WORLD WERE SINGLE! But even THAT’S not a guarantee these days smh. But understanding and knowing someone’s intentions as early as possible is EXTREMELY important! You might think because (1) the person is attractive, (2) they are single, and (3) bonus they don’t have any baby mama drama that they are looking for a commitment or marriage. That is totally NOT a good thing to assume these days. Some people enjoy their single life and just want a companion to hang out with from time to time or go on vacation to the beach with!

What’s one of your “must ask” questions when dating? What’s one of the things you just NEED to know when deciding whether to spend more mental energy and time with someone?

“Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are His delight.” — Proverbs 12:22, NKJV.

*Thank you to everyone who responded to my Instagram story! Also, thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable in this post.*

Moni Jay, Off the Record