“5 Things Every Healthy Friendship Needs”

Have you ever received counseling from a friendship coach?

I am 33 years old. I have many lifelong friends and many people who I was once super close with but now not so much. I have had friendships that have taught me a lot about myself. I have had friendships that required me to teach my friends some things. I have had friendships where our moments always consisted of drinking and partying. I have had friendships where our conversations occur mostly via text. I have had friendships where we only hang out when I’m visiting my hometown. I have had friendships where we experience every huge milestone together and we never miss a beat.

But you also have friends that weren’t really friends and were just people who were in your life for a specific season. Acquaintances really. You remember moments with them. You might not necessarily hate them (or you do), but you don’t communicate with them anymore. They don’t really know you and you don’t really know them. And that’s okay. I think that’s one of the many beautiful things about life. We might feel upset in that instant moment, but then in hindsight, we appreciate the growth and opportunity of that exact same moment.

“A Groundhog’s best friend is…”

I used to think there was an age where you couldn’t make new friends anymore. Like, how would it look if my 33-year-old self met someone and asked “Hey do you want to be my friend?” Lol! But as I sit and reflect on how people, relationships, and connections grow, mold, and change over time, we might ask “Do you want to be my friend?” more often than not. We might not say those exact words, but I think that question can be asked through actions and intentions. When we meet someone new that we think is cool, we can invite them to events with us. We can start to call and text regularly to check-in. We can start to open up and share vulnerable moments with each other.

Building and maintaining sustainable and healthy friendships (and all relationships) have become some of my top priorities in life. I like to listen to this podcast called “Friend Forward.” First of all, I didn’t even know a friendship coach was a real thing! “Friend Forward” is a podcast for modern women looking to understand the complexities of female friendship. The podcast is hosted by Danielle Bayard Jackson who is a female friendship coach and educator. Her episodes consist of research, strategies, and tough-love truth to answer people’s questions about how to navigate relationships with other women. One of her recent episodes discussed an issue one of her viewers raised, and it was titled: “My Best Friend Still Hasn’t Invited Me Over to Her New House… Is it Petty of Me to Feel Hurt?” This episode led me to pose the question to one of my sister circles and it blossomed into a very healthy and thought-provoking conversation about what friendships look like and what things should be included in all friendships. My brain, of course, got a great idea for this blog post! (Don’t you love how things in life unexpectedly set up other things to unfold?!)

When we find ourselves meeting new friends or even cultivating the friendships (and even relationships) we already have, let’s keep these 5 things in mind!

1. Communication – We have probably all heard of the Love Language Quiz and have learned about the various love languages. Those quizzes and research encourage us to learn our partner’s love language and aim to love them in their love language. But I think we should also strive to learn our friend’s communication style. Most importantly, we should find a healthy and nontoxic way to communicate how we feel and not assume the other person should know how we feel or speculate why we feel that way. I don’t think we should say “well, she’s been my friend for X years, she should already know how this makes me feel!” if we’ve never communicated and articulated that to them.
2. Boundaries – This has been a word floating around more often these days. But what exactly are boundaries? Are they walls you put up so that no one can have access to a certain part of you? Or are they specific limits to the things you will tolerate with someone else? When I think of setting healthy boundaries, I think of this: what will you accept and what won’t you accept in this friendship? What spaces and circumstances will you invite your friends into and which ones will you not?
3. Respect/Acceptance – R-E-S-P-E-C-T *in my singing voice*. One of the definitions for “respect” is “due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.” We should respect how our friend feels when they communicate and share something with us. We should accept their boundaries, use that as motivation to set our own healthy boundaries, and learn how to best abide by those boundaries. Respect will naturally cause someone to trust you more and want to keep you in their life longer. 
4. Honesty – Being honest means being sincere and truthful. Sometimes we’re afraid of being honest because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or we might not even be honest with ourselves. But items 1 through 3 in this list require honesty. Be honest when you communicate your boundaries and be honest when you express your feelings. Sometimes friends can get super close and will inadvertently and non-intentionally take one step too far. Don’t sweep it under the rug if it hurts you. But you have to remember items 1 through 3 and be honest in your delivery. (Also be mindful that there’s always a time and place for these conversations. Sensitive/intimate subjects between the 2 of you shouldn’t be shared among the entire friend group out at brunch.)
5. Space to grow and mature – If you still have your childhood best friend in your life and yall still share momentous occasions and milestones and everything in between with each other, that’s a blessing! Many of our childhood friendships are created based on sharing the same space and routine (spatial closeness because we’re in school and classes together or live in the same town). But once we throw college, new careers, new relationships or marriages, and relocating into the mix, things naturally change. One of us may not have the time or energy to fit in things we used to do for fun. One of us may need a 6-month notice before they can meet up to hang out. One of us may have a spiritual breakthrough and no longer want to have bottomless mimosas at brunch on Sundays. One of us may need a few months to get our house in order with our new spouse before inviting our bestie into the new space (*what the podcast episode discussed*). Don’t take it personally! If your friendship has a solid foundation including items 1 through 4 on this list, then you should be honored to grant your bestie this space to mature and grow. You should want to be the person in their corner encouraging them to stick to their guns and mature and grow and you shouldn’t be the person in their life making them feel guilty for wanting to grow and mature. 

By no means am I a friendship coach or educator, but I wanted to share my thoughts and opinions on this topic. I hope you find this list to be helpful as you navigate and reflect on your current friendships, relationships, and connections. Some of you may be doing a “purge” as you enter into the new year and want to make some lifestyle changes. Sometimes we do outgrow connections and friends. If you find yourself in that situation, I hope you don’t beat yourself up about it or hate yourself for it. I hope you take that moment to realize you’re being honest with yourself and with others, and are looking for opportunities to grow and mature in whatever season you may be in!

“As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” — Proverbs 27:17, NKJV.

Moni Jay, Off the Record